The fear of being powerful and successful

The consequences of running a business where I feel bad asking for money is very unfortunate. The other day I felt it again – it’s a pain right in the middle of my chest and it’s provoked when I have to put my worth into money. The request was a small thing, not defined by my normal prices, so I had to find the right price for this job. First I wanted to give it away, because it was such a small thing. But then a voice inside my head asked: “Why are you giving it away for free – is it really worth nothing”? Then a whole lot of other voices tuned in and said a lot about: “The customer getting upset and writing nasty things about I Belong” and in the end, the business would be so conflicted that I had to close. So this little job I would most certainly do for free. There is a lot going on in just a few seconds. And having it in my head – not speaking it out loud – my guess is, that I will make a million decisions a day based on the opinions of these voices. It’s like highways inside my mind filled with stories to match my actions, making me believe that this is the right thing to do (Read more about the tiny voices – the Soul Sucker in my last blog).

I wanted this to change for me – so at a meeting, I got a good vibe from Dr. Sandra Camacho and wanted to hear more about her ways of working. She talked about getting clear on my goals, discovering my inner wealth and unlocking my inner magnetism. It does sound kind of awesome, right? What attracted me at first was her very clear connection between inner wealth and business success. And more importantly she could give me an insight into what she calls programming and what is blocking me from being clear.

Programing has to do with stereo types and ways of holding a social construction in it’s place. Quite often we are not aware, that we are reproducing these stereotypes. You can call it an inbuilt reward system, that we are taught and reproducing all the time. It’s build into our language, our narratives and our body language. Programming is a social code of does and don’ts and most important we might not be aware of the programming, we are following. But somehow the body knows what is conflicting behavior and I wanted to know what my inner battles were.

With the fresh incident of blocking myself in the process of earning money, I decided that this would be the thing to work on. I needed to know:

  • what my deep programming was when it comes to running a successful business.
  • Why do I feel guilt when I choose work over my kids?
  • What is holding me back from being/feeling successful
  • and what is my problem with making me the most important person in my life?

In the session with Dr. Sandra Camacho, she reads my auric fields. Now some of your own small voices might start to have opinions about that. Mine sure did, but I decided, that I can’t develop if I’m not prepared to try new things. And for me the way is not as important as the result. So it’s all about what I can do with it.

So she had me tune in to a feeling of being successful in my business. Really to be in that feeling of having a good day at work. Being in flow, making progress, enjoying creating. So I did and this is how my auric fields looked like.

The colors of my chakras:

  • The 6 th Chakra (or Third Eye Chakra) is about what you want and holding in mind that this is what you want. My 6th chakra is white…almost too white. Which has to do with holding a very high standard to myself. I recognize this particular situation very well. I’ll have to decide on a thing, but I just know that it can get better. So I would go: “This isn’t it, that’s not it”…aiming for something that is more right. Not being able to choose, because I’m waiting for the more perfect situation or opportunity. In this light being open to opportunities becomes very important – knowing (as she said in the most natural way) that we are always presented with the right opportunities at the right time. We just need to be open. So being curios, saying: “Oh I wonder why that came up right now” rather than judging, will help me take advantage of more opportunities.
  • The throat – I have dark read in the throat chakra. This chakra is The Well to taking action. The color red is the life force energy, which is the most basic energy. So having a red energy here means that this is very, very important to me – almost like a basic need. But it’s a dark red color which means that I have programming telling me, that I can’t do this. I can’t take action and something bad will happen if I do. So my energy about what I should commit to, is completely split. My soul is saying “Do this – you need this” and my programming is saying “Don’t do that – something bad will happen”.
  • In the heart chakra, I have really dark blue. The heart chakra is self love and when we are tuned into healthy self love we attract the right people. We are honoring ourselves, what we really need and who we are. A dark blue energy in the heart chakra means that I really want to direct my energy and commit to healthy self love, but the dark color is indicating, that I have programming telling me how I should love myself and how I should love other people.
  • The Solar Plexus chakra is the power center. And here I have mustard color. So this dark yellow color has to do with me getting uncomfortable being in this space of power. On a conscious level I want to feel good about me being powerful and to make my business happen, but when I think about moving into that space, it makes me uncountable to want it. Not even doing it – just wanting it.
  • The 2nd chakra (Sacral Chakra) is desire, my feelings, emotions and here I have a light blue color. So when you are in touch with your 2nd chakra, you are in touch with what feels good and what feels right. Your gut intuition is like a laser beam and it will guide you exactly the way you need to be guided.
    Light blue in this chakra means that I’m allowing my feelings to guide me and my soul to communicate with me in a very direct way. So when I’m connecting to my feelings I know exactly what is the most fulfilling thing to do – for me and my business – yeah!

Not overlooking the fact that this may apply on other persons than me – it totally fits my own self image and experiences. And this is all I’m interested in.

Ok – so the reading session was over and she wanted to do some clearing. A funny thing she asked me to do was repeat a sentence where I promise myself to dedicate my energy to my own success. I read it aloud and had to give it a number from 1 to 10 stating how comfortable I felt about doing that right now. 10 being: I can totally do this. At first I did not feel it, so I told her. Then she changed a few words and it blew me away. Now I felt it all the way in my gut and I could also feel all the programming working on me, telling me, how this was not going to be a good idea. So it got a 3. So in this following time I will pay close attention to all my inner voices telling me what not to do. And I will challenge my old programming by using my shining light blue 2nd chakra – because this is where I deeply connect with gut feelings and desires for what a fulfilling life is. I need to see how far I can go and to get rid of the old programming.

I can not tell how many voices telling me that this is so wrong of me to publish this – but here it goes.

This is by the way what I’m committing to:

“I can commit to dedicating myself to the successful growth of my business
by committing to healthy self love, going with the successful flow
and honoring the priority of my heart and soul”.  

Thanks for reading


Find Dr. Sandra Camacho at www.inner-wealth.com/auric-clarity/

Meet my Soul Suckers

I joined this network, called Polkadot because it’s a group of likeminded women who are all entrepreneurs and finding their way through life and business. I know I need these meetings and when I go I always come home enlightened, with new ideas and new connections that takes me new places. All in all a pretty good investment I should think. But I also use a whole lot of energy warming up to an event like this. Before the meeting I have this feeling of going into a bobble to energize and collect all my strength for what’s coming and afterwards I get so tired. I will also get the same feeling before parties where I don’t know anyone, but opposite networking I’m quite good at going to parties, so there I lift off as a small rocket and it leaves me with whole other feel than going to networking meetings. Maybe networking should include a lot more alcohol…

But back to the Polkadot – we all have to introduce ourselves and our product. Up until then I think it’s going well – I’m calm, not laughing hysterically or anything, but when it’s my turn I get so nervous. More than reasonably nervous. It feels like my body loses control and a reptile system takes over. As if a lion had risen before me making only 2 things possible: To Freeze or flee. Knowing that I’m not facing a lion I tend to get through it, but a part of my brain shuts off. Sadly the one connecting to who I am, how I feel and the ability to connect with a crowd – shining my light.

Taking my seat after my introduction, I’m numb and this is the part where the meeting takes another paralyzing turn. We have to write the names of the persons we want to meet with on small pieces of paper. I have had my eye on this very charismatic woman Lauri, that I so much want to met up with. But being paralyzed it’s hard to write and it feels like I write THE LION on my slip, and not Lauri. Of course I get her name down and throws the slip at her table in the last minute – no phone number, no e-mail – her name was all I could write.

We find each other and met up two days after. This turns out to be an important landmark for my business journey and for me personally. What she does is very simple – she asks me to tell my life story. Not from birth, but the story leading up to where I am with my business today. And what happens is quite magical – because out of my mouth comes a story I barely know myself – connecting my personal story of not belonging to my product and the reason why I need to make others connect with this feeling.

I think to myself: “Why didn’t I tell this story at the Polkadot meeting”. And then she tells me about the Soul Suckers. They are inner voices and their job is to keep us out of trouble, reduce danger so we can stay safe. This is a good thing, if you are facing a lion – it’s a limitation if you are just telling your story. Enlarged the Soul Suckers will keep you focused on limiting your expression shutting down the parts of your brain that connects with emotions, reaching out, engaging, sticking out your head, being vulnerable, taking a risk, showing the real you. Instead, you will be setting up boundaries, finding excuses, telling yourself that:

  • you don’t have time enough
  • something else is more important
  • You are different
  • Your clothes might matter
  • You’ll need to improve or be more detailed
  • And the worst ones are: You are not enough, nobody will care or find it (you) interesting.

Looking back on the Polkadot day I gave in to my Souls Suckers, and not being able to control them I found myself on the stage letting myself suck the soul out of me.

Back to my life story and meeting with Lauri we agreed on working a bit further with my story. Knowing that my Soul Suckers will have a feast when I’m in a situation, not being sure if I belong, she asked me to embrace the concept of belonging – being belonging and then telling the story again – holding her (my only listener) in a force field of belonging. Let me spare you the details of how I got that all messed up :0)

But so much wiser I know that the Soul Suckers are there, when they are there, and what they are up to. So here I go – on my new journey of telling my story – holding my audience in a force field of belonging. Knowing that if I don’t freeze up I will speak from a powerful place – both in private and in business.

So if this isn’t deep enough – follow my next step – where I’ll head down the trail to meet the origin of my Soul Suckers – leading me back to old programming and my deepest fears. This calls for a colorful visit to my energy fields and a woman reading my aura.

Thanks for reading

Find Lauri Smith at https://voice-matters.com/

“In order to inspire others, you need to train your body and your voice. You need to become a vessel for your message – an organism of purpose.

I will help you find your voice and unleash your charisma. You’ll simultaneously rise to the occasion and fall back on your training when the big moments come.”

to the other side of a meltdown

I will start my story a bit before the meltdown. Just recently, I have begun to notice situations that makes me feel uncomfortable. They have been there all the time – I just never reacted on it, because I had to cope with them in order to feel accepted. So, I coped – a lot. Leading to a weird numbness and an ability to be hit by a truck, run over…and if reacting, then reacting long after. “Reactions on delay” – often misplaced and out of context.
This way of not being able to put my feelings out there (in a respectful way) eventually affected my self worth and luckily, I pulled the stop handle 2 years ago, but if not, it would have made me sick.

This time it was just a Fall Fair at my Son’s school. But I had a bad feeling about this Fair long before the actual day – and again on the morning of the event. Being wiser about my feelings, I should have done one of the following things:

1. Recognized the shitty feeling and asked for help – something like: “Please don’t leave me. Could you help me through this, because I’m not sure I can do this alone”.
2. Gone with that shitty feeling of going and planned another lovely family trip somewhere else.

But I didn’t – I forgot to take care of myself and I ended up with the feeling I hate most. So this is where I usually find a person (in this case husband) to blame for my unheard needs – and I did. I was so mad, sad and I did not forget to tell him. But then something new happened. I got it! I got that moment of clarity where all the pieces fall into place and I realized that this is not a two sided coin. This is me waiting for the world to take me in – because I’m a good person and try really hard. But it doesn’t work that way. I’m the only person who knows what I feel and what I need. Failing to navigate according to this, is failing myself.

So there is was – years and years of this pattern of navigating detached from my feelings. Doing things detached or conflicting with my feelings. For those of you who really get this – I envy you. This is such a valuable gift. For me – it’s a scary place to be, because I’m building a new compass with my feelings as the and only true North. Somehow navigating according to my feelings is putting me in a more vulnerable situation. A place where I have to stand trial for what I fell and (now) do. And I ask myself: “Will this increase my chances of being loved and love the persons in my life? Only time will show.

So how did I get from one perspective to the other? I can’t say for sure, because it’s a lot like matching a mio puzzle pieces at the same time. But what has helped me a lot is this 3 step process, creating awareness about your feelings, practicing acting upon them, leading to breaking patterns and getting what you need.

The 3 stages:

  1. Get in touch: Acknowledge what you feel – and how it makes you fell (call this feeling by name ex it makes me sad, lonely, angry…) Do nothing.
  2. Try it on: Say out loud what you feel and how it makes you feel. Action: Observe what happens (reactions might be strong and it is totally ok to go back on this one).
  3. Stand strong: Express you feelings and how this makes you feel. When shit hits the fan – and it will – stand strong in the wind. It will eventually blow over – but you have changed the game.

I would recommend everyone to try this. Start with Stage 1 and stay there until you see a pattern of unattended feelings. Stay as long as you need. Moving on to Stage 2 you can expect a lot of noise from the people around you, because you are breaking patterns and not living up to the “contract” you have made with them. At stage 3 you will rock the boat and in many cases new contracts are made, because they will know, that this is what you need to be a part of the relationship.

So here I go – with this new awareness that in all matters – personal or business my feelings are the only compass bringing me closer to the feeling of being sincere, worthy, competent, successful, beautiful, funny….all the things I want to be.

So where is your compass pointing to?

Thanks for reading!

All the best